Dear 2009,

I don't do resolutions.

I'm going to live 2010 the same way I did 2009.

Loving wholeheartedly and without guilt. I let go, made up, and made out. And never regretted a second.

Surround yourself with loved ones and politely ignore the rest.

Dream big and bite off more than you can chew.

2009 was the year of the 45 hour work week and 13 credit hours.

There are things "missing" in my life. But I'm not empty. I'm not sad. I'm me. And I'm happy.

This was the year of blacking out. Waking up in strange places. Partying with weird people. Making friends with older people. Married people. Younger people. It was the year of spending too much. And not spending enough. Of forgetting and forgiving and connecting and reconnecting.

I'm happy, but I'm not content. There's just so much.

I love my friends. I love my family. I love life.

You should too.

I don't settle. I won't settle.

2009 was good. Great. Fantastic even.

So. Bring it on 2010.


Love,
Me

Note to Self

I want to be a teacher.

I want to be an English teacher.

People are always surprised when I tell them this. I'm not really sure why.

"Why do you want to be an English teacher?"

When asked this I usually go with the pithy "because I like it," or "because I'm good at it," as to not bore anyone (especially me). But the "real" reason is something a little more nebulous. It's not like I haven't answered this question at length before either. I've been asked to write mission statements and letters of intent in order to get in the candidacy program here at school, but those are usually only half me and half what I think they want to hear (well DUH).

To me English is about communication. It's about voice. And my job is to empower and to inspire by helping young minds- young writers, find that voice. To be able to grant someone admission into that discussion where intellectuals and pretentious pricks like to stroke their egos and congratulate each other for being OH SO SMART is, I'm not embarrassed to say, a driving force in my teaching ambitions. I want to spark thought and challenge people's expectations. And somehow, in my twisted mind I think that teaching is the best way to do that. Because if I challenge my students hopefully at least one percent of those students go out and start sticking it to the man, which in turn causes others beyond my reach to do the same.

So in the end I guess my want to be a teacher is pretty selfish. But I don't want people to think like me. I just want them to think. Which I guess is sort of wanting them to think like me after all but whatever. Can't win 'em all.

Part of this is that I want to effect people in this pyramid scheme/pay it forward idea where I help a few who in turn help a lot of others and then I implicitly take credit for any of their accomplishments. Yeah I don't really get it either.

Having been a tutor at the writing center for over a year now my passion for social justice teaching has only increased. The tacitly oppressive nature of the education system has been, for me, laid bare through the meeting of writers of all levels and all backgrounds. The ideas of what constitutes "good" writing have less and less meaning for me. At the very least I recognize that change is necessary. And I want to be part of that change.

The Devestatingly Handsome Truth

"Everyone has a secret that can break your heart if you just knew what it was."

These are not those secrets.

The truth is, I don't like talking about myself because when I do, I feel like I'm bragging. And I don't want to seem like a giant douche. But in the interest of winning a contest, I think I can get over that.

Listening to country music makes me wish I was white and born in the south so I could relate to the songs I'm listening to.

On my 21st birthday, I saw "The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants 2" in theaters with my then girlfriend and sister. It was MY idea.

I think I'm cute.

I've been in love once.

I failed a class because I thought the final was on a Thursday. It was on Tuesday.

The Office wedding episode made me cry. Twice.

Whenever I'm alone, I blast music and dance by myself.

Sometimes, I do JUST WANNA DANCE.

I've written, recorded and produced three songs no one will ever hear because my hard-drive died.

I've seen over 20 musicals.

I had my first kiss when I was 19.

Every first date I've ever gone on, I've taken a shot of alcohol.

The first CD I ever bought was the 98 Degrees CD. The last CD I bought was Fearless by Taylor Swift.

I sometimes think of what I think are "awesome rap lyrics" and have about a pages worth of phat rhymes.

She loved me more than I loved her and it scared me.

When walking on the sidewalk I have an obsessive need to walk in diagonals when there are squares of sidewalk. When I can't physically walk in diagonals... I imagine that I do.

I haven't remembered a dream in over a year.

I miss my dog.

I am awesome at texting.

The movie I've watched the most in my life is The Sandlot.

I want to own my own restaurant one day.

I don't think anyone has any idea how big of a nerd I am. And I'm okay with that.

I sometimes forget that I'm Filipino.

I like and am good at cooking. Cleaning too. I would make the best househusband ever. Just saying.

I am slightly obsessed with wordplay.


I could probably do this all day, but this seems like it's good enough to win. Oh and Sarah, I like Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip cookies. I hope you can make those.

Le Petit Prince

"Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."

As a closet hopeless romantic, I can't help but be attracted to ideas of everlasting beauty- of unending, unselfish love. The idea of something extending beyond the limits of the physical, tangible world yet still being able to affect a life is awe-inspiring. Something as intangible as data, as words, or as letters on a screen being able to elicit emotions and cause someone to feel is amazing. Nothing is further from reality than the artifice of the abstract or the arbitrary yet those things cause people to laugh, cry, and feel everyday.

And nothing is more real to someone as their own feelings.

Yet, as much as I admire the endless and the infinite- emotions are fleeting. So just as much as I am attracted to the endless and the infinite, I am just as, if not more, attracted to the finite and the ephemeral. Things like fireworks, snowflakes, or ice-cream cake cause and affect in bursts. Beauty is found in moments.

Like how a band can never actually perform a song the same way twice- every performance is an uncapturable moment. So instead of chasing for that elusive feeling from firsts and bests, just knowing that no matter how many times you do something it is actually your first and best. In a way.

…

I lost my train of thought a long time ago. But it felt good typing this.

Moment captured.

Sucker Punch

“If you don’t change the way you eat, you’re going to die.” That last word, “die,” shot from my doctor’s mouth and struck my ears. Like a boxer being sucker punched in the gut, the blow immediately shook my body. And like any body blow, the full brunt of the impact would only manifest itself after the initial shock had passed and the rest of my body could accept the pain. And although Dr. Gribovich began to explain how I could change my diet, my exercise routine, and essentially my life in order to alter her lethal diagnosis, every other word just felt like another blow to my psyche. Being assaulted with that deadly morpheme transformed my state of mind and I was not sure how I could or should recover. But if before the blow I was comfortable and happy, after it I was uncomfortable and frightened. I was petrified. A shot to the gut paralyzes the body and slows your movement—this was paralyzing. I did not know what I should do. But something had to be done. I had to change.

However, change is not easy. The fact that I was fat and dying was clearly linked with the fact that I was unwilling to change. Even though I knew I was not living a healthy lifestyle, I continued to live my life as lazily and apathetically as possible. I chose to ignore the obvious signs and did not even attempt to modify my eating and exercising habits. To not notice that one is overweight when they are 5’4’’ and 256 pounds be a feat.

And I was not that incredible. I knew, but I ignored. My own personal gorilla in the room remained silent until my doctor bluntly pointed it out. So the time for change had come and it would have to be drastic. For someone to balloon to the size I had, food would have had to have become an addiction, and I had to cut myself off cold turkey. Extreme situations called for extreme measures. Not only would this mean dieting, but it would also mean exercise. These were two words that, up until then, where not active participants in my vocabulary.

The transformation would have to be gradual. There is no quick way of losing one hundred pounds, at least not in a healthy fashion. And I was trying to wean myself away from an unhealthy lifestyle, not take up another one. So other eating disorders were out of the question. Good old fashioned diet and exercise would have to suffice. And for the first few weeks, it was horrible. Changing what I choose to eat was challenging because all the food in my house was unhealthy. Canned foods, frozen TV dinners, and my mom’s old fashioned, high fat, high calorie death on a plate were served daily. Not only did I have to personally change what I ate, I had to force my parents to buy and make different food. And my mom, while being an amazing cooks, was not very versatile and could only make the traditional Filipino dishes she grew up with, which were filled with proteins and oil. Not exactly health food. But besides the task of formulating new grocery lists, I had the grueling job of starting my work routine. This involved, running, running, and more running. After day one, I was sore. Quickly I realized that the pain would not go away, at least not for weeks.

But slowly, the pain transformed into pleasure, and I was enjoying my daily workouts. I was feeling healthier, and six months into the new lifestyle, I could see the results. While I was not exactly thin, I was thinner and on my way towards my current weight. After two years, the diet had become my lifestyle. I lost and kept off the 90 pounds of excess. From that historic day at the doctor’s office, the changes that occurred shaped me, in more ways than one, into a stronger, better person. I was taken by surprise and sucker punched that day, but I still stood my ground. I stood my ground and struggled back. The struggle made all the difference.

Runner's High

Time and time again I find myself with my mind racing, thoughts unable to focus themselves long enough to go from my head down the pen to the page (or in this case to my fingers to the keys). The task of choosing a thought- of trying to record moments that make you think, that upset you or that make you laugh and smile and love life all over again is daunting.

I keep wanting to hit the ground running. Just get it out. "I have to get this idea out now before I lose it. Now, before I lose that perfect turn of phrase. Now, or I'll lose the spirit and feeling I had when I first thought it." I keep trying to sprint to the truth.

But this endeavor of capturing life. Trying to take snapshots of my thoughts and feelings and ideas isn't something I can do in bursts. This is something that takes thought and time and backtracking and rewrites and wheel-spinning. Life, if it is a race, is a marathon. And while a marathon may be terrifying, especially when you're trying to finish as fast as possible it's probably best to go at your own pace.

So here I go.

I'm going to say what I have to say. It may not mean anything and I may meander and go on tangents and contradict myself. But I'm just going to keep going, because that's all you can do. You can't worry about making sense or being worthwhile, you just keep running. And hopefully before long you forget about the fear and the struggle of life, of trying to figure how to say things or how to do things, or the shouldawouldacouldas you had and you hit that runner's high.

Trite or not, it's not the destination. Our culture is obsessed with the future. Everything we do is in preparation for something that hasn't happened yet. We study for our future. We save for our future. We work for our future. We worry over our future. But the future is never here. I'm not saying not to worry about the future, because it doesn't hurt to look forward- to keep looking up. But know that here and now. Are always here and now.

And I'll be here, spinning my wheels, trying to catch sunlight in a jar. But now that I started I'm not going to stop.

Catch me if you can.