Rejected Stand-Up Bit #37 aka Talk Nerdy To Me

The following is a portion of my notes from my 3 hour long Special Education class:

There's nothing sexier than a girl who can spell well and knows her grammar rules.

"DAMN, that girl can really punctuate a sentence."


AND there's a lot more in my notebook. And if you can believe it, it's even worse than that. At least it's better than that one time I wrote down potential tweets and counted how many characters were in each one during my Film History class. One of them was about the Marriage Ref- if that's not scraping the bottom of the barrel then where did all the monkeys go?

The problem with these classes is that everyone that I'm friends with take it so seriously because it has to do with their "future" or some other lame excuse, so no one wants to by cynical and ironic with me at the back of the class. Maybe if I brought cigarettes and berets, but I'm pretty sure I can't pull off a beret because my French sucks. Hence, me writing jokes to myself.

In conclusion, school is boring.

Two Weeks Is A Lot Longer Than It Used To Be

On Saturday, March 6, 2009 I put my two weeks notice in at the Deli.

Or so I thought. As of now, a full SEVENTEEN days later, I am somehow still employed there- the place where dreams go to die and learn new definitions for the words "two" and "weeks" (although you have to admire their "never say quit" attitude). So unless you're a sandwich loving Hispanophile, making a shit ton of sandwiches and learning how to say "I need more fruit dip" in Spanish may not be your dream job. (But if you are, my GOD what are you doing here? RUNDONTWALK to the nearest meatbread factory you can find).

Last Friday this exchange occurred:

Manager1: Chris, there have been these rumors going around here that I think we need to talk about.

At this point, I'm excited because I LOVE rumors. But excitement is quickly replaced by utter confusion.

Manager1: I heard through the grapevine that you might be quitting.

What I Should Have Said: Huhwhat? You "heard" that I was quitting? I AM quitting, I already told Manager2 a week and a half ago. And more importantly, who still says "heard through the grapevine"? My last day is tomorrow. Jesus.

What I Actually said: Well, um... yeah I thought I... didn't you talk to Manager2?

Manager1: Well I just wanted to ask you if you were happy.

Sidenote: saying that you wanted to ask and ACTUALLY asking are two completely different things. So I'm not actually responding to a question because one was never asked, but I'm just being a douche so let's continue.

Me: Of course I'm happy.

Manager1: Okay, good. We were worried you were going to leave.

Obviously this is where I should have cleared the air and said that I was actually going to leave, but instead choose to go home because I was hungry and confused. In hindsight this was a good decision because I had Chipotle.

Then on Saturday I was ready to tell them that "oh hey today is my last day good luck," but they decided to have the closing manager be someone completely new (who looks exactly like Gollum/Smeagle from Lord of the Rings... that's not really important but it is hilarious/unfortunate). My message had to wait until Monday because I'm a sucker.

Monday comes around and I finally tell them. Mind you these past two weeks ALL the employees know that I put my two weeks in because I told them I did. Their reactions ranging from the usual "I'll miss you" to the "stop being a little bitch and don't quit" (which coincidentally I think is Spanish for "I'll miss you").

Manager3: So you want to put your two weeks in?

Me: No. I already did. Two weeks ago. Technically, I'm not even here, but my name is still on the schedule. I thought it was a little weird.

At this point, my manager begged me to stay at least for the rest of week so I could train a new hire. Wanting to avoid this song and dance again, which at this point had reached Macarena status, I agreed.

But as my last act of defiance I'm not shaving. Take THAT anti-facial hair policy. Plus they might send me home early if I don't. I'm really sticking it to the man.

Friday Night

Lately, on Fridays my brother goes out with Jen and my sister goes home, which gives me the option of wasting my Friday night doing whatever embarrassing thing I want. Usually I have band practice on Fridays so I don't actually get that much time to myself.

But today I did. So I drank a beer and started recording a song I started to write which will eventually go on my non-existent album of songs no one will listen to. I used to do this all the time, but that was when I had a laptop. Luckily my brother is gone so I'm hijacking his computer.

Anyway. My boredom in digital form.

I talk to myself a lot

So if you ever want to read my half-assed jokes. You should read my twitter.

http://twitter.com/chris3point14

I make myself laugh. But that's because I'm really self-absorbed.

ENGL233

The one legitimately cute girl in my History of Film class is only made more attractive by the fact that she spends all her class time doing the Red Eye crossword instead of paying a modicum of attention to her "education." While everyone else in class is intently listening to the professor (or at least pretending to), their ears pricked up, their bodies leaning forward. She listlessly fills in the puzzle's boxes, her body in a constant sight, her head resting on her free hand, while I glance over every now and then, flipping between feigned interest in the lecture and being a creepy stalker.

The people who speak the most in class are either extremely smart yet too showy (as evidenced by their need to hear their voice), or are extremely dumb yet can't help but let everyone know that their IQ is lower than everyone else's. Obviously this leaves the people who don't talk and don't seem to care- the smartest people in the class. Cute girl falls into this category (coincidentally, so do I. Funny how that works). This is supremely attractive to me. So girls, just letting you know that aloofness is hot.

On the flipside of this, any outward and unnecessary show of intellect makes me want to vomit. Bragging, cockiness, or just talking about yourself too damn much will physically pain me. Confidence is sexy when it is silent. Which is why I hate it when someone is asked to describe themselves either in a Facebook "About Me" or anything like it and they put a simple, "I'm awesome," which simultaneously says nothing about someone and everything about their insecurities or their self-love- both of which are terrible qualities. In my life, these issues manifested themselves in my longest relationship to date. This girl, who will hereafter be referred to as "Sandy," (Luckily, this is also her actual name. Also, I'm not very creative) is one of these "I'm awesome" people. Which I'll give you, can be endearing (aka, thing that should be annoying but you delude yourself into liking) up to a point, until you realize how vapid and self-serving that statement is when verbalized or written out.

Obviously, people should think they are awesome, but should do this by just being awesome. By our 2nd or 3rd break-up pretty much all our "conversations" became an implied, sub-textual pissing match. I frequently disagreed with her just for the sake of disagreeing because her "I'm so smart, look at me" attitude clashed with my "I'm smarter than you, stop overcompensating" attitude. To everyone's surprise, this relationship was destined to fail.

But here's the thing, I think I'm awesome. I just don't like to advertise that fact. I want to be secretly the coolest person you know. When people say "OMG, I didn't know you ______ !" I like it like that. People constantly redefine themselves and the "you" in the moment is the only real "you" there is. The fact that I work in two restaurants, that I tutor at a writing center, that I'm in a band or that I want to be a teacher is not always relevant to who I am.

Ugh. Now that I've done all this talking about myself I feel gross. So um... in conclusion I suck, I have a terrible sense of humor and I look funny.

There we go. That's better.

PS. An hour later and she's doing the Sudoku now. Hot.